Tori Spelling's People Will Clean Up Marshmallows

Another jolly thing to do when hopped up on pills and writhing in pain is to read about what Tori Spelling thinks is fun. No, I swear.15mg of oxycodone and a fentanyl patch can make Tori Spelling almost fascinating. I’m sure I read about Tori’s gift suggestions in People magazine, but apparently it was such a quality report that no trace of it can be found online. Anyway, Tori Spelling thinks marshmallow shooters are a “super fun” gift idea for kids. On amazon.com you can find one that boasts its “pump-action rapid fire shoots mini marshmallows over 30 feet. The easy-to-refill magazine holds 25 marshmallows for non-stop action.” Doesn’t that sound fun and easy? Easy to load… possibly (but not likely), but what about clean up? I bet these sadistic toy developers are also responsible for that barrel of laughs, Elefun. Spend several minutes aggravating your lumbago in search of dozens of wispy butterflies, stuff them down an elephant’s snoot, then turn it on and watch all the butterflies explode out of the trunk, and then… you guessed it. Pick them up and stuff them back in. Oh the kids love that game. So much fun for them.

Anyway, I looked through some customer reviews of marshmallow shooters on Amazon, and was bemused to find complaint after complaint from despairing parents lamenting warm, sticky marshmallows stuck in barrels, but almost nothing about the aftermath of said rapid-fire action. I read elaborate descriptions of how to dry out moist marshmallows, advice on administering corn starch and removing jams with pencils. Complaints that the magazines don’t hold ENOUGH marshmallows or that it is, in fact, NOT easy to load, despite the toy sadists’ claim. Eventually, a person named Julie noted that “they turn to mush in your yard and then your kids will drag sticky spots all over your house. Oh yes – the dog will throw them up.” But hey, 3 out of 5 stars for the fun factor, right? Another far-sighted person bought it thinking her dog would clean up the mess. She ought to have read Julie’s review first. Somebody else bought it to shoot the neighbors from his apartment balcony (the only sensible use I came across.) Finally, a couple of reviews from sniggering grandparents suggested that with age does indeed come wisdom. And a certain degree of malice.

I was left wondering why Tori thought marshmallow shooters were such fun, and it seems pretty clear it must be one of two reasons: Either Tori has several paid personnel to prime the barrels and dislodge half-melted marshmallows from designer sofa cushions, vintage Persian rugs, professionally landscaped lawns, etc., or she somehow incorporates clean up into a workout regime. Could the novelty of picking up something from the floor be a huge part of the fun factor? Is it a refreshing break from master cleansing, in-home mani pedis and restylane touch ups? Frankly, at least some of that sounds like more fun.