Saturday, September 4, 2010

Your Own Personal Minivan

I drive a minivan, and I am an individual. I swear.

You would not believe how many Honda Odysseys there are in Splendaville. A bunch of Toyota Siennas, too, as well as a smattering of Chrysler Town & Countrys, Nissan Quests,  Dodge Caravans, and sundry '80s van-jalopies. But mostly, I see Odysseys, and they seem to come in three colors: beige, silver, or charcoal. I assume that once people realize they cannot tell their Odyssey from the 94 other Odysseys in any parking lot, they start thinking up ways to add some personal flair.

It goes without saying that a Jesus fish is the first step: some with the little cross inside, some without; some with "Jesus" written inside. A number of creative individuals like to assemble a school of Jesus fish, each representing a family member. So on their next trip to that parking lot, they must walk along thinking, "Is that my beige Odyssey with the Jesus fish? Oh no, mine has two big ones and three little ones, not FOUR. Oh hey, is THAT my beige Odyssey? No wait, those Jesus fish don't have little crosses inside..."

Clearly, more personalization needed. Enter: stick figure family. Each family member gets their own stick figure window decal, personalized with perhaps a golf club for dad, a purse for mom, soccer ball for junior, and ballet for sister. Don't forget the pets! So now they're in that parking lot going, "Is that my beige Odyssey with the Jesus fish and stick family? No hang on, that's a dog. MINE has a cat..."

Sometimes the stick figure family has their last name floating above them. There might also be a decal that's got junior's school team with his name inside, or the daughter's dance studio and her name. Whenever I see one of those, the big city, West Coast weirdo in me thinks: If I were a pedophile, I'd go to Splendaville Elementary after school to watch Johnny Smith at soccer practice. Then I'll try Sugar & Spice Dance Studio to watch Janey practice ballet...

A whole roadmap for the disturbed is on the back of every personalized minivan.


  1. Your writing is fantastic! You've just made my morning coffee that much more enjoyable! I found you through The Mother Load, and I'm glad!

    I also drive a Honda Odyssey, but we live in a small town, so there are only three of us - one white, one silver, and my charcoal. I was thinking perhaps that you could just have a sticker made that reads "This one is mine." Would that help?

  2. Thank you, and Haha!! Excellent idea, however I'm already mocking our school's car line on the back of MY van at the moment, and I have a strict one bumper sticker rule. (No I don't, I'm just lazy.) I only had a minute to take a quick look at your site, but the pictures are amazing! I'll be back when I have more time...
    ps I'm glad you got the charcoal one; that's definitely the preferred Odyssey color.

  3. A Jesus fish van cut me off in traffic the other day. My sister and I had a good laugh over it.

  4. Once I had a Jesus fish give me the finger. I also once saw a woman throw trash out the window of a car that had a Don't Litter bumper sticker.